A New Chronic Illness In Utah, Utah Possibly To Be Quarantined.

Associated Press May 19, 2009

In recent years, prominent scientists in the Wasatch Mountain Region have been researching into a new alarming genetic disorder that has revealed itself in larger and larger numbers, called the TTI. One of the leading scientists, renowned Russian scientist Chastakorlenkabukinbrishgrosha (fondly known as Shasta by his close friends) has stated “Vee believe dis to not only ve ah disordah, vhut ee highly contahgious disease oov soome sort. Ve are noot entirely sure oov eets eempleecahtions aht dis time vheeing, vhut it hast spread droughout all facets oov Utahn sociedy. Ve are trying ahr vest to cantrohl its recent outvursts.”

Yugoslavian scientist Yunimomoni, has called this disease by the more popular name “tithing tippers.” Somehow, when the people with the ‘tithing tipper’ come in contact with others carrying the disease, it somehow alters the very actions of the individual, changing the very conscience that so defines humankind. These people, when going to a restaurant, somehow forgo all human sympathy and insist on giving tips of 10% or less, resulting in waiters and waitresses all over Utah barely making minimum wage—for in Utah they only make $2.37 an hour and in order to achieve minimum wage they have to make up the difference in tips. Yunimomoni stated, “It is a very disturbing disease. And since the economic downturn, it’s become even harder to study the disease, for we can’t tell who actually carries the disease and who is just faking like they have it.”

Since the recent outbreak of Swine Flu, and the nationwide alarm, the federal government has been weary of releasing any other information regarding the ‘tithing tipper.’ But when an anonymous individual suffering from the disease was quarantined, and described her experiences on her online blog, the government was forced to either approve or deny the information. In the blog she said, “After leaving the restaurant, I was walking to my car in the parking lot. Before I knew what was happening, I was chased down by my waitress and other staff members. Everything went dark and the next second, I found myself on a white bed in a room covered in plastic. People in astronaut suits were around me telling me not to worry, ‘this will be taken care of.’”

Some of the researchers believe the ‘tithing tipper’ could possibly be much more destructive of the human mind than any other disorder before created. Senora Stratton, American scientist and owner of the Las Madres Restaurant, said “We don’t understand it, we don’t know if it’s a disorder, illness, disease, or a genetic malfunction. We have found that it is dangerously contagious and somehow affects the very brain, controlling the frontal lobe’s functions of judgment, but we have also seen a constant trend in the children of carriers. We are starting to believe that it can actually enter into the very DNA of the carrier and be spread to offspring.”

The disease is also known to spark sporadic uncontrollable anger and possible violence in waiters and waitresses who come in contact with it. Recently in the small town of Hurricane, Utah, a waitress was said to have served a table and upon receiving the check, she chased the customer down and in irrepressible fury gave the customer such an angry invective that the customer has been in therapy ever since, besides also receiving treatment by specialists for the symptoms of the ‘tithing tipper.’

Since children rarely pay for food at restaurants and in effect never tip waiters, it is difficult to know for sure who is truly carrying the illness. In fact, some people have been known to never enter a restaurant till their middle age or later, and at that point scientists don’t know if it is because of lack of consideration or because they are truly a sufferer. Governor John Huntsman in a private medical press conference said, “The difficulty with researching this disease is that it has a gradual onset and, like some disorders, can possibly not be recognizable until teenage or adult years. And although some may be carriers, they may never be in the proper situation for us to view the symptoms. We fear for its spread and don’t know how many have been infected.”

John Huntsman further said, “the government is looking into a quarantine of the entire Utah state, for this illness has been leaking out of state borders into nearby states with six cases in Idaho, twenty-four in Nevada , and three in Colorado. These individuals are in intensive rehabilitation and their identities have been highly guarded in order to prevent mass chaos and fear within the communities they reside.”

In order to prevent the disease, scientists have asked parents to keep their children away from the influence of ‘tithing tipper’ carriers. Few have been cured of it, and those in the senior years of life are known to have a very low curable rate. Yunimomoni stated, “Children of the new generation are where our focuses are, we have to stop this disease’s spread at the beginning stages. We could do very little for seniors who have been suffering from it their whole lives.”